Offbeat Offenses
Cash for clunkers
By John Zaharick

Aug. 6, 2009

State police in Carlise recently investigated the following incidents.

A 24-year-old Carlisle man was arrested for public drunkeness after being found sleeping inside Rutter’s, Shippensburg, on July 25 at 4:04 a.m. according to police.

Maybe Rutter’s should take advantage of this opportunity and add sleeping arrangements. In the convenience store spirit, the quarters would be like Japanese capsule hotels where guests can sleep in a plastic tube just big enough to lie down in. After filling up on gas and a quick bite of processed food, a traveler could take a nap before hitting the road again.

And if anyone should pass away in the capsule, it can become an instant coffin, easily carted to the cemetery while Rutter’s takes ownership of the deceased’s vehicle and trades it in for cash from the government.

Police were dispatched to Boiling Springs on July 7 at 11:43 p.m. for a report of “white supremacist music being played loudly.” Upon arrival, police heard rap music being played. Now, whether the music was white supremacist rap or the neighbor who called the police merely mistook rap for being white supremacist, the irony here is deep. The accused, a 38-year-old male, was advised to turn the music down or he would be arrested. Approximately 10 minutes after police left, the gentleman turned the rap music back on and then switched to country. At least he had enough consideration to change the genre of music for his neighbors in an attempt to play something they might have liked.

Despite this empathy, however, the accused was arrested for a continuous course of disorderly conduct.

Police filed charges against a Chambersburg juvenile after he jumped on the hood of a car being pulled into a parking stall at the Wal-Mart in Shippensburg and smashed the windshield on July 13 at 9:58 p.m. The car was being driven by the daughter of the owner, a McConnelsburg woman.

At least now the owner can trade it in for a more fuel efficient vehicle that her daughter’s friends will jump on.

Mysterious hooligans harassed a 40-year-old Carlise woman 3 days in a row starting on the fourth of July when they broke off the newspaper holder attached to the mailbox at approximately 2 a.m. according to police. On the second day they threw wooden handled steak knives at the door and on the third an unopened box of rice. Hopefully they'll never be asked to throw anything at a wedding.

State police in York had their own share of mysteries, starting with a bird bath bowl belonging to a 79-year-old Fawn Grove Borough man, which was damaged sometime between July 12 and 13 between 10 p.m. and 6 a.m. A warrant has been issued for the arrest of Big Bird of Sesame Street.

Between July 10 and 12 unknown individuals used car window paint to draw on a van belonging to F&S Transportation, Springfield Township. Unfortunately, the custom paint company got the wrong address and their portrait of a wizard fighting a dragon wasn’t appreciated.