Offbeat Offenses
Panties, Superbowls and breakfast
By John Zaharick

March 5, 2009

State police in Carlisle were faced with the following situations in the past month.

A 45-year-old Carlisle man struck a 19-year-old Carlisle woman with a boot during the course of an argument on Feb. 2 at 8 p.m. Iraqi journalists make horrible role models.

Not wanting to break a heel, a different Carlisle woman threw a cat at a Mechanicsburg man during an argument over the animal on Jan. 25 at 1:30 p.m. Police watched the incident as they had arrived previously, but thankfully did not bring the canine unit. At least she waited for authorities to be present so that there would be no ambiguity over what actually happened.

A 26-year-old Mount Holly Springs woman stole several items from a Dollar General on Jan. 24 at 3:30 p.m., placed them in her car and then, instead of leaving, returned to the store with a large, gray tote bag. While filling the bag with items and under the delusion that she was now invincible, state troopers apprehended her. Maybe she wanted to get caught and was so disappointed with her initial success that she had to up the ante.

Another chronic thief had a more thrilling series of exploits in Shippensburg on Feb. 3. Several police and canine units responded to a burglary at 7:10 a.m. Through interviews and investigations they determined that the culprit was a 16-year-old male who had been on probation and house arrest until he managed to remove his ankle bracelet the prior evening and venture out into Shippensburg to hang out with friends. The thrill of not having to wear expensive jewelry not satisfying enough, he broke into H&H Chevrolet Dealership that night, obtained keys and stole a 2009 Cadillac. Theft is apparently the only way GM can get cars off the lot. The vehicle was recovered in Franklin County by state police in Chambersburg.

The street that the juvenile had been robbing in the morning had been subject to numerous other burglaries over the past few months, during which panties, bras and photographs of women were stolen from residences because apparently some of the “friends” he “hangs out” with are strangers he steals underwear from. The 16-year-old confessed to six of the robberies. The stolen items were recovered from his home and the homes of some of his acquaintances who were disappointed to lose their early Valentine’s Day gifts. He has been placed in a juvenile detention facility.

State police in York reported an incident a bit more incriminating than throwing a cat in front of police. Namely, throwing something at police. This occurred when two Springfield Township 19-year-olds drove down Yellow Church Road throwing paint balls at signs and other objects on Jan. 6 at noon. They missed the first car they threw paint at, but were given a second chance when another vehicle appeared, driven by a member of the Baltimore City police. One of the teenagers managed to hit the officer’s car and the pair then fled the scene. This daring getaway failed seconds later when they wrecked their car into an embankment and disabled it. The cop went to the crash, obtained information and contacted state police in York.

A Salem, Ala., man thought that if he transported cocaine during the Super Bowl, police would be too busy watching the game to notice. They weren’t. Authorities had already been keeping tabs on the gentleman and found him hauling $17,000 worth of cocaine on Feb. 1. State Police, York County Drug Task Force detectives and Springettsbury police arrested him when he arrived in a parking lot on E. Market St. in Spingettsbury Township at 8:45 p.m. He was taken into custody during the third quarter of the game, giving police enough time to see the Steelers win.

Investigators believe he has been responsible for transporting half pound and pound quantities of cocaine from his home in Alabama to York County over the past 2 years. In addition to arresting him, police also seized his 2005 Lexus GS300. Now someone can buy it at a police auction with their Super Bowl winnings.

The complexity of our modern day society becomes apparent when people start incorporating eating, sleeping and getting drunk into their multitasking. Case in point, an intoxicated Mechanicsburg man at Baker’s Restaurant was reported to Carroll Township police on Feb. 2 at 3:58 a.m. Upon arrival, officers found the man asleep with his head in his breakfast. Employees said he had been snoozing in his food for 2 hours before they called the authorities. Officers woke him up, took him home and charged him with public drunkenness.

If only he knew how to cook, then he could sleep in food in the privacy of his own home. Of course, sleeping with a book under your pillow isn’t a substitute for studying and sleeping in your food isn’t a substitute for eating.