Offbeat Offenses
Christmas miracles
By John Zaharick

Dec. 25, 2008

State police in Carlisle investigated the following incidents during the past two months.

In the “how to keep the recession going strong” department, three New York, N.Y., men were arrested for theft during a traffic stop for speeding on Interstate 81 northbound on Saturday, Dec. 13, at 1 a.m. They told officers that they were travelling back to New York City after visiting friends in Chambersburg and then, for reasons that can only make sense at 1 a.m., granted police permission to search their vehicle. Approximately $8,300 worth of stolen merchandise from various Wal-Mart stores was found and around 300 items were seized.

Police believe the men would enter Wal-Mart stores and retrieve large boxed items, such as microwaves, filing cabinets or baby seats. They would remove the item from the box, leave it in the store and fill the box with other items. At the cash register they would then only be charged for the boxed item. This is not a recommended holiday shopping tip.

Elsewhere, state police arrested a Shippensburg man for damaging a trash can, fry hopper and a shake machine at a Shippensburg Burger King on Wednesday, Nov. 5, at 8:30 a.m. Radicalism didn’t stop Vietnam and it won’t stop the obesity epidemic.

Case in point, between Monday, Dec. 8, and Tuesday, Dec. 9, someone unsuccessfully attempted to pry open a Coca Cola machine in South Middleton Township. New York Governor David Patterson is proposing an “obesity tax” on soft drinks to cut down on sugar consumption. Such a plan can only be met with failure once commuting Wal-Mart thieves take this crime by Pennsylvanian caffeine addicts back to the Empire State along with their boxes of stolen goods.

Unable to find any dogs at Wal-Mart to hide in a microwave box, a person tried to steal a puppy from a Shippensburg woman by paying with an invalid check through a fictitious Internet account on Thursday, Dec. 11. Stealing a puppy? Seriously? Not even Rod Blagojevich sunk that low on his laundry list of offenses. Also, if you need a dog that badly, animal shelter pets are free.

Four concrete lawn ornaments were found on Lindsey Road in South Middleton Township on Friday, Nov. 26, at noon. That’s because they can only come to life and wander about at night. Anyone missing lawn ornaments or mystical pets should call Pennsylvania State Police in Carlisle at 249-2121.

Small branches were found broken off of various trees throughout a West Pennsboro Township person’s property on Tuesday, Dec. 9. Anyone familiar with cryptozoology knows that this is common bigfoot behavior. Unless of course other lawn ornaments went on their own midnight rampage.

Speaking of rampages, a Carlisle man threatened to burn his neighbor’s house down and perform obscene acts on the victim’s wife, child and horse on Sunday, Dec. 21, at 12:30 a.m. Harassment charges have been filed. Clearly the more typical threats were just cover for the man’s true desires regarding beasts of burden.

Wrapping things up is a case from state police in York. A Fawn Grove man set his apartment bathroom on fire, causing $11,000 in damage, on Sunday, Sept. 21. Maybe he was trying to get the renter’s insurance.

The Fawn Grove fire company responded and quickly extinguished the fire, limiting the damage to the bathroom. The Pennsylvania State Police Fire Marshall investigated the incident and determined that the fire was intentionally set. The accused, who was committed to York County Prison for the arson, was a former firefighter with several local fire departments. Some occupations just aren’t suited to telecommuting.