A Lighter View
All is calm?
By K.E.H. Stagg

December 10, 2015

_____One of the most well-known Christmas carols contains a line that claims: “All is calm, all is bright.” In my household, however, the only bright thing is fever-glazed eyes. My husband and I are suffering what we’re pretty certain is a germinating case of bubonic plague. Our alternating chills and sweats are accompanied by rib-cracking coughs. We’ve consumed vats of orange juice and pallets of cough drops that did nothing to prevent the symptoms from worsening.

_____Since my familiarity with Middle Ages medicine is limited to the fact that Black Death is heralded by swollen buboes, I yelled into the adjoining isolation ward, “What are buboes?” My husband didn’t answer, possibly because he was preoccupied with keeping his bronchial airways clear by hacking up pieces of lung in a manner guaranteed to induce vomiting.
Knowing that infectious breathing infiltrates every square inch of our HVAC system, I rigged up a Clorox air filtering system in order to prevent the plague from settling. But just to be on the safe side, I’m also keeping a running inventory of new swellings. The only body part not swollen at the moment is my feet. So unless buboes is the Middle Ages term for bunions, I’m definitely at risk.

_____In the last week-and-a-bit, I’ve snuffed enough salt water to fill the Dead Sea; drunk hot lemon tea with honey every hour around the clock; chugged cough syrup at the maximum permitted rate; and ate clementines until my skin turned orange.

_____And I manage little more than fitful catnaps while sitting straight up in order to prevent myself from drowning in phlegm. I’m disgusted by the fact that the thousand plus cable channels on TV offer nothing fit to watch after 11 p.m. when I’m tormented by the possibility of erupting buboes.

_____Maybe I’m overreacting to a case of the common cold. Maybe I’ll actually improve in health by the New Year and laugh at my silly sentiments of the moment.

_____But judging by the way I feel now, Greater Dillsburg is in for a long winter plagued by The Plague. What say you, Mr. Buboes?