A Lighter View
It’s not the cold
By K.E.H. Stagg

February 3, 2011

_____I’ve been hearing over and over in recent days, “It’s not the cold I mind; it’s the wind.” Well, here’s a newsflash: if it really is the wind, not the cold, how come nobody minds the wind when it’s 90 degrees outside?
Another popular remark is,“I don’t mind the snow so much; it’s the cold I don’t like.” Since snow doesn’t exist in anything but cold weather, that statement is just as ridiculous as the first one.
_____My personal opinion is that cold in any form—wind, snow, sleet, freezing rain, fog, mist, blizzard—is just plain awful. I don’t want to be out IN it, and I don’t want to have to deal WITH it. Not being independently wealthy, however, I am compelled to do both. I scrape ice off my car with the best of them, and drive my little chariot a steady 45 mph all the way into Harrisburg.
_____Some days, I feel like I’m either featured on a hidden camera or qualifying to be stunt driver, as I dodge ice sheets flying off other vehicles and motorists weaving to the median, but not quite making it. I’ve become adept at switching pedals on a moment’s notice as tractor-trailers zip by at warp speed and cover my entire windshield in a blinding “wintry mix”.
_____My absolute favorite thing is when the wildly flapping windshield wipers leave ice crystals in their wake. How the sam hill am I supposed to I see out? Every couple of seconds, I have to fiddle with the temperature gauge and the doohickey that determines where air comes from. My dilemma is, if I leave the vents on windows only, my hands freeze to the steering wheel, even though I’m wearing mittens. But if I don’t vent the windows at all, the ice crystals build up into a floe thick enough to float on the Antarctic Circle.
_____As if all this weren’t bad enough, we have to rely on a rotten little rat far west of Dillsburg to let us know if and when warm weather is on the way. Right! With all the television klieg lights and camera flashes going off in his face, that rodent can’t see anything. He’s lucky if he doesn’t end up blinded for life!
_____The good thing is: it doesn’t matter. It really is about the cold and the wind and everything else that makes up winter. I say, “Skip it! Wake me up when it’s warm.”