A Lighter View
Going to the dogs
By K.E.H. Stagg

January 27, 2011

_____This week, I was reminded that a dog is not only "man's best friend" but also "man's biggest annoyance" at times. Friends invited me to brunch, after which they unleashed their dog. First of all, he headed straight for the couch where he's only allowed to lounge when the protective blanket is in place (it wasn't). So after their repeated shouts to "Get down!" had no effect, my friends decided their "baby" was okay on my lap. But like most kids, he pushed the boundaries by lying half off my lap in unprotected territory, ignoring all disciplinary instructions related to his inappropriate company manners.
_____We all know about dogs' sense of smell being a thousand times more developed than humans'. This dog was no exception. He checked out every square inch of my person, rooting around under my appendages that were realistically out of reach. I could almost hear him thinking to himself, "Ooh! What's THIS?" as he nudged and pushed my unwilling body around the furniture.
_____He quickly settled on the spot on my shirt where a stray bit of egg casserole had bounced, and proceeded to lick his way through the shirt to my stomach. I was laughing hard enough to have an accident, while the horrified homeowners kept shouting, "No!" and "Down!" Doggie ignored them both. Determined to lick every last scent of food out of my shirt, the dog proceeded to head-butt my abdomen, presumably in hopes of dislodging an edible morsel. I actually like dogs, so I didn't mind him tickling me half to death, but I draw the line at letting a dog lick my lips. Yucky! I don't want any dog swiping my face with backwash from his heinie-cleansing. Thankfully, he got distracted by flinging himself around on my lap--and the forbidden couch--so his attempts at covering my face with e. coli-positive saliva came to an abrupt halt. The fact that we were all drinking coffee should have put the kibosh on his dogging our every movement. The steaming hot beverage isn't something he really wanted, and our resultant coffee breath should've stripped the fur off his back, especially since dogs' hearing sensors--like their sniffers--are about a thousand times stronger than humans.
_____Speaking of which, we were all chatting away at ease when Doggie caught sound of something inaudible to us mere mortals that sent him into a frenzied bark-fest. In addition to vocalizing his dismay, he jet-propelled himself onto the floor in a single bound, landing on all four paws and quivering in indignation. Alas! It's less than a half-turn from quivering to watering the carpet, which event brought on a new round of, "No!" and "Bad dog!" exclamations with a transfer of dismay from doggie to owners.
_____Being unrelated to any of the participants, it was easy enough for me to take the dog back in hand--or, in lap, if you will--and apply lots of soothing petting accompanied by senseless crooning of the, "Aren't you a good baby?" type.
_____The dog obligingly presented his belly for scratching, then his head, then finished up by throwing himself down in total relaxation on my lap.
Then the doorbell rang. Time for Mr. Doggie to turn up hysterical barking to full blast. You would've thought he was an attack dog, specially trained to dismember intruders, instead of the medium-sized family pet he is. My ears are still ringing because, did I mention he was still on my lap when he launched into Killer Dog persona?
I really DO like dogs. But I'm coming to the realization that I like them best from a distance. Preferably a long distance.