A Lighter View
Make my present normal
By K.E.H. Stagg

December 16, 2010

My friends and acquaintances all have good intentions, and I’m not knocking that, really. But I can’t help hoping the trend of them matching me up with maniacs gives way to something more, well, normal.

Here’s the thing: my criteria for who would be “a good match” for me is more than just that we’re of opposite genders. Common goals and values should play a factor; shared interests is another good idea.
However, judging by what I’ve experienced over the past year, other people’s criteria is much more basic. In fact, my guess is the would-be matchmakers operate with a single criterion: if we’re both breathing, it must be meant!

Lest you think I’m exaggerating, which I admit to having stooped to on occasion, this is one area in which hyperbole can’t begin to do justice to reality. For example, on one occasion in which the other party will remain nameless (for obvious reasons), the conversation went something like this:

Him: “What are your interests?”
Me: “Travel—“
Him: “I hate travel!”
Me: “—and writing articles and books. . . “
Him: “I don’t like to read.”
Me: “—and swimming.”
Him: “I don’t swim.”

Call me picky, but if a man has to bring along his latest brain scan to prove that he’s no longer schizophrenic, he’s definitely not my type. Ditto for the man who doesn’t want his friends and relatives to visit him—ever; the man who has three children and no job, but insists he’s “not just looking for financial security”; and the man who routinely barricades himself into the shelter he built “because you never know,” but bristles at the term “paranoia”. I’m also not interested in the man who basically wants an unpaid slave, or the man who wants the proverbial friend with benefits.

I have plenty of friends—both male and female—but my requirements for a lifelong spouse are somewhat more involved. Nothing like movie-star looks or dripping with filthy lucre; not really all that complicated. To prove my point, one non-negotiable is nice.

Yep, just plain old kindness. I know. It probably went out of fashion two decades ago when I wasn’t paying attention, and I’m just getting the memo. But common courtesy goes a long way toward smoothing over hideous personal flaws such as nose hair that’s long enough to braid. While I don’t expect to be catered to like a self-appointed dictator for life, I do expect the kindness that is exemplified by basic good manners.

Humor is another necessity. And I do mean ha-ha amusing, not the weird-funny that I seem to encounter so often. For example, it’s funny to say that you’d rather poke your eyes with a fork than endure another blind date; it’s not funny if you actually do it, or even think about actually doing it. A word of advice? If you do contemplate it, it’s not a good idea to confess to a total stranger; especially if she has to ride home in your car.

It’s probably wishful thinking, but a great Christmas present from the entire world would be this: If he’s off his medications; contemplating plastic surgery; or just “not sure who he is”, I beg of you not to give him my name. That would go a long way toward helping me achieve peace on earth!