A Lighter View
Tips for the unphotogenic
By K.E.H. Stagg

December 9, 2010

Those of us who photography equally horribly from all sides, find ourselves terrorized over the holidays because there’s at least one snap-happy relative who plasters images of the family gathering all over Facebook, proving just how wide we’ve gotten, or showing us leering like a satyr.

The same relative who thinks it’s amusing to let off with the flash from about one-quarter of an inch distance finds it equally hilarious to leap out at those of us not fully awake at the crack of dawn or on the stroke of midnight. Bed hair and jammies feature prominently in these “charming” candids, as my washed-out complexion lurks flares behind a close-up of my nostrils. (And for those of you who must know: no, it’s not hairy!)

Over time, I have learned it’s definitely safer to hide behind the camera then to be captured in its lens. It’s much harder to be smeared across the Internet looking inebriated or demented when I seize control of the camera.

If you do find yourself trapped on the wrong side of a camera between Thanksgiving and New Year’s, follow these handy suggestions to minimize damages . . and the likelihood of future lawsuits against your relations:

When seated, be sure there’s a child, dog, or large present within arm’s reach. When you spy loony Uncle Henry reaching for his camera (and this naturally assumes you’ve been on alert for potential photo assaults), place the handy “prop” on your lap, directly in front of your face.

If you must stand, grasp a tissue in one hand at all times. Use it to *sneeze* or *cough*—with appropriate bending from the waist—when loopy Aunt Gert yells, “Cheese!”

Group shots usually provide easy camouflage. If there’s a passle of relatives, you naturally want to station yourself at the very back, behind your brother-in-law’s giant nephew and his niece-by-marriage’s expectant bulk. If there’s only one row of family members because all the in-laws are on America’s Most Wanted this year, stand at the very end, taking one step away from the group the moment shutterbug Granny counts “three”. Ideally, you will be outside the frame. Barring that, you will be a blur. At worst, you will show up as an errant flap of hair and dismembered torso that will make future generations wonder, “Who was THAT?!”

Desperate times call for desperate measures. If all else fails, remember that rude gestures ensure any photo will never see the light of day. So if Cousin Millicent says, “Everyone look at the birdie!” pretend you think she wants you to show everyone the bird.

Of course, if you’re the annoying relative trying to snag family snapshots for time and eternity, be on the lookout for these sabotage attempts. And remember: “What goes around, comes around.”