A Lighter View
Shoppers turn psycho
By K.E.H. Stagg

December 2 , 2010

Every Thanksgiving, I’m thankful to have survived another year. No, I’m not talking about over-eating-until-my-buttons-pop-off; I’m referring to the maniac mall shoppers who wander our roadways right up until Christmas, wreaking havoc on all who pass by.

You know who I mean. They veer across Rt. 15 to reach the Camp Hill or Capital City mall a nanosecond before a driver in the next lane. . . They hurtle across the parking lot to get as close to the doors as possible—and then yack on their cell phones for a half hour anyway. It’s “pedestrians beware” once they rocket out of the driveway at warp speed.

These poor souls actually start their lunacy immediately after Thanksgiving. Less than twenty-four hours after gathering around the table with family, listing the blessing of the past year, they fire up the after-burners and head for their local shopping spot. (Perhaps it’s because they’ve spent the day with immediate family that they’re so wacky.) I’m sure their conversation immediately after chugging liquid antacid goes something like this:

“Hey, look! There’s an intergalactic hydraulic barometer at Barganza Bonanza for only $4.99!”

“REALLY???”

“Yeah. If we leave home the day before yesterday, we can be the first ones there to get one of the two they have in stock. AND if we show the extraterrestrial eggs we hatched from, we get an extra ten percent off, PLUS a manufacturer’s mail-in rebate.”
“Oooh! Yippee!!”

Something snaps in these people’s brains. The one and only year I ventured forth, I looked into the demented eyes of die-hard bargain hunters who scoured sale circulars with an intensity known only in former KGB interrogation chambers. These hopeless cases often roam in pairs, like snakes; if you see one, watch out because there’s another one just around the corner. Because the true bargains are billed “while supplies last,” you’ll see these people lapping the city like race car drivers, hoping to beat the hordes at their next destination.

Fat chance! The same people who won’t venture out of doors with a body temperature of 98.8 think nothing of standing four hours in blizzards or tornadoes, just to be first in line when the shops open at midnight, or whatever ungodly hour it is. I’ve known people to wear their jammies, in hopes of winning a gift bag that only might contain a $100 certificate. It’s better odds than the lottery, but these people are so far beyond nuts, they’re starting on the return trip.

Personally, I like to wake up on Black Friday to a cup of cocoa and a hot breakfest, one of the few times of the year I get to indulge. Unless I’m out of toilet paper or medicine, I remain indoors until the all-clear siren sounds and I know the mob stampeding out of control has already trampled this year’s victim.

While the clawing grabfest shopping nightmare is kicking off, the rest of us are tucked up snug and safe in bed. Who needs that kind of insanity?!