A Lighter View
Beware the scissor hands
By K.E.H. Stagg

April 22, 2010

We all know the revenge waiters and waitresses can exact on poorly behaved customers. Those of us who never actually worked in a restaurant have at least seen enough movies to know the scary things that can be done—all unawares—to a diner’s food “back stage.”

What is equally certain, but has not yet attained the level of pop culture reference, is the revenge that hairdressers can wreak on troublesome clients. Think about it: you’re sitting in the chair, trapped beneath a giant plastic cape, at the mercy of a person wielding scissors. Your hair can be scalped, butchered and otherwise hideo-philed in the blink of an eye. “It will grow back,” is what we say to reassure the parents of children who’ve attacked one another’s heads with school scissors. That same consoling thought occurs to me whenever I see a victim of a bad hairstyle, most likely the result of his/her own poor choice, but equally preventable by a stylist with good taste and good sense.

I have been extremely fortunate in my stylist. Not only does she capably steer the perilous waters of stick-straight, fine hair (a double whammy), but she also knows her business inside and out, and isn’t afraid to say, “That wouldn’t look good on you,” if I suggest attempting a style that she thinks won’t suit my hair or face. On the other hand, she is a magician with my stick-straight, fine hair, so any time she suggests a new style, I say, “Let’s try it!” because she’s that good.

So why is it that some salons don’t have the nerve to ask their customers, “You want what pattern shaved into your head?!” or “Are you sure you want that color for 3 months?” Having dealt with those individuals as co-workers and fellow commuters, I’m guessing the stylist thinks, “You asked for it, buddy. Far be it from me to correct the ‘fashion expert’!”

I know, I know. You think I’m just projecting, but ask yourself if I don’t have a valid point. Imagine the know-it-all from the cubicle next to you, on a tear about the way the office should be run if only he were in charge, or how your financial situation would improve by 1,000 percent if only you took her advice.

Then picture that same dictatorship unleashed on hair stylists who, let’s be honest, are three-quarters artist and one-quarter magician: “Take 2.3 inches off the sides, taper the back so it enhances the shape of my head and give it just the slightest hint of highlighting to frame my face.” If it were me, I’d get myself a #4 clipper and have at it, then ask, ever so sweetly, “Is this what you wanted?”

Unlike the mullet or beehive, both of which made hair fashion statements during a time period proven to have been influenced by illegal substance abuse, poodle perms and multi-hued spikes persist in the world of hair, even though clearly unbecoming to any age or gender.

Face facts. “The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world,” but the hand that rocks the scissors is capable of making the ruler look like a complete idiot.