A Lighter View
Seeing is believing
By K.E.H. Stagg

March 4, 2010

Dillsburg residents who don’t need visual enhancement to see clearly should consider themselves fortunate indeed! I’m prematurely approaching the point where I need glasses for pretty much everything, but having been accustomed to wearing contacts and keeping glasses as an emergency back-up, am faced with a dilemma.

If I continue with the habits of a lifetime, I will be required to tote reading glasses on my person if I want to read menus (or anything else) in low-level lighting, or small print in any lighting whatsoever. But if I go that route, I need not just the non-prescription sunglasses I already own, but also a pair of reading sunglasses for making out the fine print when I’m outdoors, unless I just throw caution to the wind and risk burning my corneas. Or do I mean my retinas?

If, on the other hand, I opt for wearing spectacles full-time, then I will need multiple pairs: one for up close and another for distance, not to mention sunglasses which, if we’re doing this right, also need to be prescription. Forget about polarized bifocals! They might present a solution for some, but I’ve seen how the lenses darken up in brightly-lit rooms, and I’m not going to pretend I’m an undercover celebrity just for the sake of convenience! Besides which, if I can’t see under bright lights, I’m better off sticking with contacts and carrying a miniature flashlight in order to locate my purse in darkened theatres.

Whichever option I choose, I’m clearly looking at more than just one pair of glasses. I’m about ready to cash in my retirement savings to purchase built-in GPS chips, since I have enough trouble keeping track of just one pair. The GPS chip would alarm when I needed to find where I last left particular glasses, such as I’m inside and need my prescription sunglasses to go outdoors, or I’ve just come in from outside and need the regular old glasses.

Numerous pairs of glasses also necessitates my purchasing of a much larger purse, as the one I carry now already needs its own zip code because it’s holding—among other essential items—a miniature flashlight. And a bigger purse means I need to invest in a dedicated weight machine to build my muscles sufficiently in order to schlepp the bag around.

Or I could try rubbing Miracle-Gro on my arms. That way, I can keep the same old distance glasses I’ve had forever and take them off for close work, letting my elongated arms take care of the middle distance. Hey! This might really work!