A Lighter View
Solid footing
By K.E.H. Stagg

Feb. 11, 2010

Dillsburg’s recent snowfall set me to thinking about the various devices that have been created for sliding around on the wintery white stuff. First we had something like tennis rackets strapped to the feet, but that was pretty slow going. Snowshoes are better than plain old boots, but not by much. Then we had long, thin boards, also strapped to the feet, and that made for quicker going. Particularly downhill, as anyone who’s ever skied knows.

Some genius came up with the idea of metal runners, which led to the creation of sleds for getting around on top of the snow. Whoever thought that the insides of tires that proved so good for floating on water were equally ideal for sliding in snow? That person gave birth to a whole new range of winter activities surrounding tubing.

For centuries, children of all ages have utilized plastic saucers, garbage can lids, garbage bags and even tea trays in pursuit of the euphoric high that comes from successfully navigating a snow-covered hill without ending up in the hospital.

I have used many of these devices, although I limit myself to actual sleds and toboggans, rather than grabbing up something lying around the house to find out just how slippery it is. In my experience, however, nothing yet invented is slipperier than high heels in a parking lot. Trust me on this one!

I will never forget the occasion when I landed flat on my back and lay there, winded, letting car headlight beacons wash right over me rather than get up and reveal the extent of my humiliation. I still don’t know how I managed it, but even though I thumped down on my back, I apparently first banged to the ground on both knees since I had giant holes torn in the knee of each stocking leg as evidence. And for days afterward, I couldn’t wear stockings at all as the material caught in my flesh wounds added insult to injury.

Never let it be said that I can’t learn from experience. No more high heels during snow for me! That should’ve been an end to pedestrian misfortune, right? Well, as luck would have it, I purchased boots with soles made of a material whose grip was something less than vise-like. I was even clutching a friend’s arm for support, and he had enough ballast for a crowd, so I should’ve been safer than houses. But the wind swept under my boots and sent me into a steep plunge faster than you can say “ice dancer.”

My entire body seized up like a stiff board and my legs swung like a boom. My poor friend had to leap over them every time they swung around to prevent his own legs from being swept out from under him. How he ever made it to safety with me dangling off the end of his arm, twirling around like a compass needle gone amok, is another of life’s unsolved mysteries. The miracle of it is that he kept his footing, despite hopping every other step, and neither of us was injured in the incident.

I certainly learned my lesson that time! No more slippery footwear between Labor Day and Memorial Day. You can snigger at my moon boots and laugh at my ice axe and crampons, but when you’re sprawled gracelessly on the icy pavement, who’s laughing now?