A Lighter View
Vive les differences!
By K.E.H. Stagg

Feb. 4, 2010

In the interest of fostering romance—or, at the very least, understanding—between the genders, I am providing an interpretation of the constant miscommunications between men and women, with insight on how these might be avoided altogether.

It’s well known that when asked, “What’s wrong?” and a woman replies, “Nothing,” she doesn’t really mean nothing. She really means is, “I am so mad at you for not picking up on the bazillion hints I’ve been dropping for the past 8 weeks that I’m going to make you sweat until I’m good and ready to tell you.”

What’s less well known is that when asked, “What’s wrong?” and a man replies, “Nothing,” he is being equally untruthful. What he really means is, “You’re not going to make me get in touch with my feelings and cry, or something, are you?”

Men compartmentalize relationships. They may think another guy is a low-down skunk and would never do business with him, but see no harm in “just shooting hoops.” This runs completely contrary to the notion that the guy who led his team to a championship in ’69 has to possess stirling character and the emotional, almost mystical, intertwining of sportsmanship and friendship. As proof, I cite the downward spiral in sports that began when the Soviet Union introduced chemical enhancements into the athletic arena. Where now the “sportsmanlike conduct”? But I digress!

Women don’t compartmentalize anything except their purses. If they don’t like an individual, they don’t want to spend time with him/her for any reason: eating, shopping, nothing. Especially shopping. Ever notice how women can wander through stores for hours? We like to accessorize--find the smallest size we can fit into without putting out an eye; compare quality of fabric and cut and decide which is the most flattering color. And that’s just clothes!

Men, on the other hand, zip in to Lowe’s, grab the electric doo-hickey they went in for, and dash right back out to the truck that’s probably parked in the fire lane with its flashers on. And don’t try to get them to accessorize. The Y chromosome motto is: “If it fits and I like it, I’m buying it. End of discussion. Who cares if it’s in style?”

Women are very simple when it comes to moving furniture. The shortest point from point A to point B is how we’re relocating the sofa. Men, on the other hand, are more complicated about physical feats. If they can turn the sofa on its side, flip it end over end and never have to set it down, that’s the perfect moving plan! The tricky part is they somehow think this plan is communicated telepathically, without ever opening their mouths.

Although I probably sound as though I’m bitter, I’m really not. I’ve learned from experience to ask before I pick up my end of the 3,000-pound couch. “What’s the secret moving plan?” And if I get an incredulous look in response, I simply hold up my arms, which are now twice as long as my torso thanks to the last secret moving plan involving a 5-drawer metal filing cabinet that had to be turned around multiple basement corners.

As I frequently tell my friends: no need to thank me for this advice. I can’t help that I’m always thinking of others!