A Lighter View
Straw hazards
By K.E.H. Stagg

Jan. 14, 2010

The hazards posed by straws recently hit home to me. I’m not talking about the risk of shooting the paper wrapping across the table at a sibling/spouse/friend and overshooting to the neighboring table; nor am I referring to the danger of sucking up a lemon seed. No, the potential threats I’m thinking of are inherent to the straw itself.

Take, for example, trying to eat a milkshake through one of those suckers. When I ordered a kiddie milkshake this week, I ended up with such a fat lip, I looked like I’d had collagen injections (think Meg Ryan, post-facelift) or had a serious allergic reaction to something I’d eaten. My lip was puffy for hours, leading one well-meaning soul to ask, “Just get back from the dentist?” Since I’d rather walk on hands and knees through broken glass than visit the dentist—in dreadful anticipation of hearing the words “root canal”—I was forced to admit,“Actually, no. But thanks for bringing up a painful subject!”

Another serious danger posed by straws involves inhaling while sipping, a feat most of us would just as soon not do, but somehow manage to contrive anyhow. Frankly, if I knew how to control that little flapping thing at the back of my throat, I’d make sure I never inhale a beverage again. I can’t be the only Dillsburger who can testify from painful experience that there’s nothing quite like the feeling of carbonated soda hitting ye olde nasal cavities. The only thing worse is inhaling milk, which isn’t painful until about 2 or 3 days after the incident. Trust me on this one!

Not to mention the fact that there are numerous instances each year of self-inflicted injuries resulting from drinking through a straw while in motion. Depending on the animation of the drinker’s movement—walking? driving? fleeing a rabid wolf?—injuries vary from a scraped mouth or gouged gumline to a bruised eyelid or a ruptured appendix, although that last one is unlikely except in the most extreme cases.

Lawn mowers are now sold with every available square inch slapped over with stickers warning against the dire consquences of employing it as a hedge trimmer, pet groomer or one of a thousand other uses never intended, but straws are dangerous simply when utilized to consume beverages.

This is a grass roots movement in the making if I ever saw one. We can petition our political representatives to enact laws mandating that warning labels be affixed to straws. I’m torn between an all-inclusive threat notice, versus a catchy phrase. However, even I have to admit that “Do not move while using this hazardous object” probably covers more bases than “Suck at your own risk.”