A Lighter View
Insanity in shopping
By K.E.H. Stagg

July 16, 2009

People incapable of making decisions on their own shouldn’t be allowed to shop, a fact driven home to me with a sharp point last week when I was accosted in an antiques store. It took me lengthy moments to realize that the woman peppering some poor soul with questions about a floor lamp was actually pestering me! Did I think the floor lamp in light maple with painted white accents looked antique? No, I didn’t. What if it were all one color, she asked, what then? I said it might look more antique in one color than two, but still wouldn’t really fit the bill. Then she asked, what if she changed the lamp shade?

By this time, I regretted that she managed to catch my attention, and wondered how to feign a hearing problem because: 1) every comment thus far didn’t even come close to my definition of the word antique, so it was impossible to tell what look she actually intended to achieve; 2) how could I possibly know what would fit in the décor of a home I’d never been in, owned by a person I’d never even met and 3) there was no indication from her behavior that she was going to stop with this lamp. In fact, it was apparent I would be required to give my considered opinion on every lamp in the shop.

Once I managed to extract her talons from my arm and slink into an armoire, fastening the door behind me (I didn’t really do this, recognizing the inherent danger of being locked in an enclosed space), I could hear her haranguing other startled shoppers, the clearly disinterested sales staff on break from college and even a delivery man who had the ill fortune to drop off a package in the middle of her rampage. All of us—except the delivery man who, to my envy, bluntly said he “didn’t have time for this”—told her that the dark iron floor lamp was more antique-y looking, despite the fact she thought it was “shaped like a stick.”

When she unearthed an over-the-top Victorian replica, I overheard from the farthest reaches of the store that her decorating style is country, which told me that the first lamp really would’ve been more suitable, and that the term “antique” really ought to have been “primitive” or “colonial” for the sake of accuracy.

I wondered how this woman ever managed to dress herself. Did she badger her husband and children with, “Does this shirt go with these pants? What about that skirt? Is it a better match?”? And does she drive like she shops? “Should I take this street or that street? What if I turn right? Or should I go left?” What a pity that everyone in the store had to dive into the restrooms or flee to our automobiles in order to preserve our sanity! Encountering such an extreme level of indecisiveness would send anyone around the bend.

Which prompts me ask myself, am I that crazy? If I were, would I know it, or would I think I was normal and someone would have to tell me I was nutty? More importantly, is it safe to come out of the armoire yet?