A Lighter View
Workplace slogans
By K.E.H. Stagg

June 25, 2009

I think I’m turning into Andy Rooney, minus the bushy eyebrows. I am sick to death of customer service departments that consist of a voice mail loop. I want to talk to a real, live person, dagnabbit! And I want some actual service, not a song and dance about how the defective product was manufactured in Outer Borneo and there’s no way to get my money back, nor can I return the bum item for one that actually works.

As far as I can tell, nobody’s in an all-fired hurry to take care of customers. Period. Instead of the accolades such as “we’re number one” or “outstanding results” that businesses always claim for themselves, I’d like businesses to be forced to accept the endorsements given by their customers. And that focus on the bottom line? Numbers would have to be meaningful!

Company X’s VP of marketing can’t be considered a “satisfied customer” who is quoted as stating, “Company X is my favorite in the industry!” There are some companies for whom I’d definitely praise the quality of their products and services, but there aren’t many--my local bank branch; the scratch and dent grocery store run by Mennonites and an antique store are the few that spring immediately to mind.

Most, companies, however, would get the sort of “tough love” treatment that would alert other consumers to the true status quo at the company in question. You’d see advertisements for delivery services “consistently slower than carrier pigeons and full of more droppings”; for clothiers where “we don’t offshore our industry because the quality is better”; for businesses where “50 percent off means the price is still high, but we’ve slashed our assistance to half of nothing.”

When is the last time you heard of a company prospectus admitting, “We usually place in the bottom 5 percent”? And what weight loss program do you know of that concedes, “All lost pounds regained within a matter of weeks once individuals start to eat actual food”?

Companies that show poor--if any--service to customers are even worse when it comes to serving their employees. The slogan in those lunchrooms ought to read, “If you think we’re bad, imagine what it’s like to work here!” The firms that institute mandatory (unpaid) overtime ought to carry warning signs that say, “Work: The place we live because we’re not allowed to go home.”

If we wrote their ads, it stands to reason that companies would work a lot harder to make sure we never have to wait around for service while sales clerks finish discussing last night’s date/the latest installment of their favorite soap/the probable accuracy of an e-chain letter!