A Lighter View
Pickle primaries
By K.E.H. Stagg

May 7, 2009

With Pickle Fest fast approaching followed by primary elections, it struck me that we can combine the best of both in Dillsburg by voting for political candidates according to the principles pursuant to picking prime pickles.

For example, is the prospective candidate sour or sweet on the issue(s) that matter most to me? Is the candidate flexible without being limp, but not so inflexible that s/he is liable to break? How does the candidate respond to immersion in heat? Does the candidate and his/her platform have a limited shelf life? Am I being offered a cut-rate bargain brand, or a national brand? Am I voting simply for a widely-recognized name, or am I actually getting substance for my vote? If I find the candidate not to my liking, can I return my vote for a complete do-over, or is it a once-and-done deal?

There are numerous questions relative to variety. Do I select my candidate based on fewer large issues or numerous smaller issues? Does the candidate’s style matter, or am I more concerned with content? And speaking of content, those aren’t ever fully known until the jar is open, so what happens if I discover the candidate is poor quality?

Is there a hotline I can call if I react severely to hidden agendas not revealed in the candidate’s list of contents? How will I be notified if there’s a recall because the candidate was found to have been contaminated? Do I need to be concerned about the candidate’s exposure to or influence by foreign notions? And what constitutes foreign anyhow? Does anywhere outside the greater Dillsburg boundaries qualify as “foreign”?

On second thought, voting is complicated enough as it is. Maybe picking in the primaries is actually easier than picking the perfect pickle!