A Lighter View
TMI revisited
By K.E.H. Stagg

April 2, 2009

The Three Mile Island nuclear reactor accident in 1979 made international headlines. Even residents in the outer reaches of the globe—where I was at the time—heard about the release of radioactive material into the atmosphere and were justifiably concerned.

What is amazing is that, although the Susquehanna River was polluted, the amount of radiation most area residents were exposed to was no more than the equivalent of a chest x-ray or the entire year’s sun intake. Tests and studies conducted since the partial core meltdown supposedly showed that no long-term effects could be attributed to TMI.

TMI may not currently register on the radioactive scale, but the theory that it never did is suspect at best. I’m not naming any names, but the open secret among Commonwealth agencies is that most of the odd ducks resulting from TMI are employed at the State. I’m not talking about people glowing in the dark—this strangeness usually is far more subliminal, although there is nothing subtle about the individual who rides a reclining bicycle no matter what the weather and clearly views bathing and hair brushing as a matter of personal choice.

Personal grooming is the impetus for another person’s unexplainable behavior. More often than not when entering the women’s restroom on a particular floor, I encounter a woman in the process of fixing her hair with a curling iron. Does she not have electricity at home? Does her bus leave before daylight? And why is she fixing her hair in the middle of the day—why not when first arriving at work?

Behavior isn’t the only cause for pause. Blue hair rinses are somewhat expected in ladies of a certain age in a vain attempt to cover up grey, but bright blue hair standing out all over the place. Didn’t punk have its brief heyday in the 1980s? You couldn’t pay me enough to ink myself with the messages and symbols I see on the ankles, necks, arms and even heads of some state workers! And if I were compelled by law to stick a barbell in my tongue, I’d emigrate.

No, there’s such a high concentration of questionable characters in this area, it suggests the test results so highly touted in favor of TMI’s not affecting the local populace are completely bogus. In addition to the Mad Cyclist, I have personally met (this is not my aunt’s cousin’s hairdresser’s niece by marriage who swears it’s true and has even checked with Snopes; I can verify this as an eye-witness) an individual who claims to own an invisible bird, and sometimes goes looking for it in other people’s cubicles when it’s “lost.” Not only does this individual reside within TMI’s radiation fallout zone, but also served time aboard a nuclear submarine.

I rest my case.