A Lighter View
Of cherubs and such
By K.E.H. Stagg

Feb. 12, 2009

According to one legend, Ares—the god of war—was also Eros—the god of love—and not the son of Ares as the more popular Greek mythology claims, which probably explains the expression “All’s fair in love and war.” What it does not explain is how it ever came to be that being shot with an arrow by a mostly undressed baby angel was viewed as a romantic gesture. My personal theory is that this correlation was the brainchild of someone to whom it made perfect sense to equate an act of aggression with a token of affection; Eros/Ares being a male figure provides additional clues as to which chromosome carrier thought up this whole scenario.

For those who may still be perplexed, I suggest that the same chromosome carrier considers a pair of garbage cans to be a suitable gift for the holiday celebrating romantic love, reasoning, “You said you needed these—here they are. This proves I listen to you! What could be more romantic?” This same chromosome carrier, when requested by a sales clerk to verify the physical dimensions of said carrier’s spouse, responds, “About your size.” This panic-stricken response never varies, even if the clerk and the spouse are 10 sizes apart.

In defense of this chromosome carrier, the other chromosome carrier is equally illogical in matters of the heart. Chocolate was considered an aphrodisiac centuries ago, before anybody knew that the slight mood upswing came from caffeine. But now that we know the truth, that hasn’t stopped the X chromosome gender from equating chocolate with romance, even when they are more aware than anyone that PMS is held at bay by massive doses of chocolate. And I think both X and Y chromosome carriers would agree that PMS isn’t the least bit romantic. Violent, perhaps; emotional, almost certainly. But romantic? Not a chance!

And what about the symmetrical heart shape we all know and love? It bears little resemblance to the shape of an actual physical heart, which is the organ we in the Western world associate with producing euphoria, ecstasy and other emotions associated with love. It’s a lot more, well, romantic than the truth: these emotions originate in the human brain (try making a Valentine using that lovely color!) and bolstered by various glands (the shapes alone nix these as card options) which release the hormones that produce a fluttering in the stomach, a heart that beats a few extra times per minute or the flushed cheeks that proclaim, “Here is my true love!”

No wonder newcomers to this country find our traditions so perplexing! I’m not sure I quite understand them all myself. It still seems odd that romance should be celebrated by being shot with a mythical arrow or by consuming vast amounts of chocolate. But I guess it’s no stranger than eating candy out of socks and chocolate eggs supposedly laid by a rabbit.