A Lighter View
Resolutions
By K.E.H. Stagg

Jan. 1, 2009

With the dawn of 2009 rapidly approaching, I’m taking time to make resolutions for the new year—not the lose weight, feel great notions that last slightly longer than a nanosecond, but issues of character that I mean to implement in the coming months.

I resolve not to get annoyed that our town mascot is an animated vegetable. Mr. Pickle looks like Mr. Peanut with bad skin and Dillsburg has nothing to do with pickles in the first place, but it could be a lot worse. Imagine if our town was called Liversburg; I rest my case!

I resolve to avoid utilizing terms such as “twitly” and “eedjit” to describe the motor vehicle operators traversing the section of U.S. Route 15 between Spring Lane Road and Franklin Church Road. Although I would assume that even the ACME Driving School requires a basic IQ test and driver recognition of pictogram signs, I am determined not to malign the intellectual capacity of those who make left-hand turns from the far right lane, make sudden turns without benefit of signaling or come to a complete stop at a green light before turning right.

I firmly resolve not to complain about the lack of fine dining in Dillsburg. Not that I don’t appreciate Pakha’s, Al’s and Wolf’s Diner as much as the next Dillsburger. But I’m not going to whine and drum my heels on the floor because I have to venture into Boiling Springs or Mechanicsburg for a steak dinner served by wait staff in black aprons and white arm towels.

I resolve not to rant and rave that the children of the Keystone State get off the first day of hunting season, but not President’s Day. If only one of the founding fathers had sported a 12-point rack, they’d be covered. Teddy Roosevelt no doubt brought down a few bucks in his day, but it’s not the same thing.

I further resolve to refrain from grinding my teeth to powder over the Route 581 interchange and the other traffic bottlenecks that are part of my daily commute. Just because the quickest route from Dillsburg to Harrisburg is perennially under construction, that is no reason to risk my head blowing up from high blood pressure.

And finally, I resolve not to patronize those who aren’t fortunate enough to live in the few square miles that comprise our municipality. I will pity the poor outsiders who lacked the good sense to settle in Dillsburg by all means, but will attempt to resist rubbing in that they live in crowded Camp Hill or trucking capital Carlisle. I’m serious. No more poking fun at them. At least through the end of January!